PLEASE PUT ALL YOUR YARD SH*T IN THE STREET: A UNOFFICIAL MESSAGE FROM OCEAN TOWNSHIP
As spring yard clean-up kicks into high gear, a message curated from two Ocean Township employees. While it is completely their thoughts and observations (not endorsed by the Township), I tweaked their language, formatted it and added some color. I support them in everything they cannot say officially.
– Please mix your grass clippings, leaves and brush together so we won’t pick up any of it.
– Don’t bother to read the instructions we sent you when you got your new green garbage cans two years ago. Let your personal agenda of recycling or laziness dictate what you do. You really are going to teach us a lesson.
– Whatever you do, please don’t be inclined to put small amounts of brush in your garbage like we encourage you to do, to help keep your neighborhood as clean as possible in between our routes. [more below]
– Please try to place those small – and large – piles of brush and leaves in the best place to obstruct traffic and make parking difficult. Your neighbors won’t waste our time calling to complain and why should you use that three-car driveway anyway?
– Speaking of neighbors, please put your brush on the border of their house instead of the center of your property so it makes for double the work and complaining.
– Please call our bosses and email the mayor to complain we don’t come to your neighborhood with the street cleaner enough. And when we do come – after giving you at least a week’s notice – please don’t bother moving your car that’s on the street instead of that driveway. Your neighborhood understands you need your sleep.
– And yes, say something nasty about Asbury Park and then say their streets look better than ours. But keep dumping your grass clippings and concrete on the street ‘cause we have not picked those things up in years.
– Be sure and throw your dog’s sh*t on your neighbor’s pile of strategically placed brush instead of taking it home so when we are picking it all up, we get it on our gloves, shoes and clothes. Sometimes the wind blows it into our faces but we are happy your life is as easy as possible.
– When we come to pick up the brush, be sure to put out another pile before the sun sets so it blows all over the neighborhood since we won’t be back for a while and, as we said earlier, why put it in your green garbage can?
– Please then take that extra time on your hands and call us regularly to ask us when we will be in your neighborhood again. Because we like to keep it a big secret on our website and the mailing we do.
– Ah, and those green garbage cans you selectively use – who else would you call but us to complain your neighbor “rolls that blimp” out to the curb past your bedtime? If you could only hear the voicemails.
– If you think we don’t remember you, you are wrong. We know people by garbage, homes and how you treat us all (if you f*ck with one of us, you f*ck with all of us). And we have knick-names for a lot of you.
– Finally, please keep burying your concrete and oil cans in the leaves after you rake. It won’t make more work for us and your neighbors irritated when they come home from work and just see that we didn’t pick everything up.
– Oh, one more – when we don’t pick up everything, please come outside and yell at us. It’s great when we never hear from you unless it’s a complaint. Tell us how you pay your taxes and we are all jerks – ‘cause we never heard that one before.
For Ocean Township’s Recycling and Collection’s Guide, click here.
Want to vent about your job off the record? Email me: Richard@TheBPlot.com